you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
