I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize