got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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