Heybabeimwearingurpanties
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
