saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
