guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
