maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize