I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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