I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
