i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
