i can't believe i had my finger in that
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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