Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
