If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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