watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
