Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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