TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
