Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
