I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
