Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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