Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
