I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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