What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
