What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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