WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
