Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
