he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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