I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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