My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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