They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Randomize
