Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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