just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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