Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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