I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
