remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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