The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
