omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
