Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
