Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
