I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize