I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
