how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
