I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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