3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
