just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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