I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
