i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In other news, I just burned my penis
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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