my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
