Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I love you. Go after that dick
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
