Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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