shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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