my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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