You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
