Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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