perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
