thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
