Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I touched a dick in church today
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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