made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
