Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
