I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
