Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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